14-08-2004, 01:34 AM
Hiya guys 
I have started a piece of FanFic that runs under the main title of, The Chronicles Of Coral. This is the first part of what is shaping up to be a 5 part epic. Part 2 is already ready waiting too, but I'd love to see what you think of Chapter 1 first.
Please leave your critiques, good or bad, I need to understand your feed back and hopefully will learn from it too. Even if you read it and don't want to critique it, just a couple of words to say if you liked it or not would be wonderful and gives a write a good reason to continue.
I hope you enjoy it: It's quite long so please bear with me, the first part is in my first post and it continues in the second [it's a genuine double post here]
The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn
Dana looked forlornly into the recesses of space searching aimlessly for the planet Carol, a planet far beyond her vision. It may have been dying, it may have been overpopulated, it may have been war torn, but to her it was home, or at least she thought so. She had spent too much time away from her she wasnât sure what to think anymore.
Dana was but a five-year old girl, ready to take her place at the Academy of Excellence, when the Principal Government announced a State of Emergency. Scientists confirmed their worst suspicions that one of Coralâs two suns was to go Super Nova, obliterating the entire planet, causing catastrophic damage to the Solar System. So she would never take up arms to protect her home world and would never draw blood for the place that she loved so deeply. Yet she was a very special person, a Pioneer Child, in anticipation of the Governmentâs latest project, which was spun to perfection and promised hope for the anxious citizens of this doomed and soon to be obsolete sphere.
Pioneer Children were the infants of Coral that were somehow more gifted than the average child. They excelled in combat, in the art of techniques, genetics, science, botany, electronics. In fact all the aspects of humanity that would expedite the evolution of the Coralian species on their next voyage. For this reason Coralâs residents grew jealous of its new offspring, fearing that they would be left behind and civil war raged throughout the planet. A war in which she would not fire a single bullet.
From the tender age of twelve Dana was stationed high above the clouds to the moon of Reef. Safe from the increasing dangers that now faced the war torn planet. Here her superior skills in isotopic electronics and biomechanics aided the development of Pioneer 1, the saviour of Coral, or at least so it had been proclaimed. Those people that began work high above their home world were given the name Skylys. Translated from Corals native language to mean, Angels of the Clouds. When probes brought back news of an inhabitable planet, work was stepped up dramatically and with that Dana temporarily lost any aspect of identity and belonging.
Three years past and the ship Pioneer 1 was ready for launch. However its decks were not filled with refugees and the helpless, but instead carried the bulk of the Coralian army, the rich, the influential, the children of the future. The citizens of Coral had been betrayed, as it became a simple matter of survival of the fittest. It blasted off from Reef in search of this new land, this place now named Ragol. Dana would not board this ship. Instead she remained to start work on Pioneer 2, the sister ship, the ship that would carry the remainder of Coralâs Children and the ones strong enough and clever enough to survive the increasingly volatile war.
It was here on Pioneer 2 that she would meet him, on her sixteenth birthday. He was a young Ranger recently commissioned from the front lines. Ready to take his place aboard the new vessel. Escaping the slaughter on the surface, trying to adapt to some kind of twisted sense of normality.
Their love grew and burned brighter than the condemned twin suns that adorned Coralâs sky. She remembers their first touches, caresses, exploring one another; it made her feel so alive. They were the first couple to marry on Pioneer 2 less than a year after its departure. But they made a vow to each other. They would never raise a child on this ship. They wanted it to be born on earth, on genuine soil. They wanted their child to be a child of Ragol, not the next breed of Pioneer Children.
This decision would cost them dear and Dana found herself passed over for promotion time and again. Couples that bred on Pioneer 2 instantly gained more favour with the new found Principal Government. Javah never made it past the rank of Sergeant and spent most of his hours guarding the corridors of Pioneer 2, although what he was guarding them from was a mystery unto itself.
The seven years that they spent on Pioneer 2 were uneventful at best. The mass hoards of Hunters and Guns for Hire that now populated this city in space seemed to have lost their will to fight. In fact they tended to welcome the chance to live beyond their expected expiry dates. But after the seven years of peace war would rage once again when they arrived at this new uncharted land, Ragol.
Their arrival couldnât have been more dramatic! When Principal Tyrell attempted to engage Pioneer1 an almighty explosion erupted on the surface. Shockwaves hit Pioneer 2 and some of the support craft along side were torn apart. Thousands of lives had been snuffed out as easily as a flickering candle flame, but Tyrell had only one thing on his mind, his sole daughter, Rico. She would never be found, but she her name caused hundreds more soldiers and hunters alike to loose their lives in their search for her. One such soldier was Javah, Danaâs husband, Danaâs lover and Danaâs life!
She never found out the specifics, just that his team were ambushed by a group of Booma and a creature that looked similar to a Hildebear but was apparently armour plated. The Hunters christened it Hildetorr and most of them lost their lives trying to claim the reward of countless meseta to who ever killed it.
Dana was unable to function after that and quit her post in research, much to the annoyance of its Chief, Natasha Milarose. She cast off the white lab coat and changed it for a frame and a handgun. For the next six months she walked the path of the Hunter, killing these native beasts and claiming the meseta for their heads. When she had accumulated enough money she visited a man named Montague. He was a young brilliant scientist, part of the same Pioneer Children faction she too had been brought up in. That wasnât what interested her. It was his ability in cybernetics. With so many soldiers being killed so quickly Principal Tyrell had ordered the production of a new line of soldier, the Hucast+. These half men, half robot creations were soon to be decommissioned when the minds of the dead soldiers placed in these bodies began to over load their circuitry. Their brains unable to function knowing that their humanity was actually dead. The Hucast+ was then redesigned using no organic materials whatsoever. They became normal HUcasts once more.
Dana was more than aware though of Montagueâs reputation. He had managed to successfully transplant a dead soldier into the body of a Hucast without the emotional meltdown. In fact the cyborg relished his newfound power in his metal tomb. The controversy though had already overpowered Tyrell and he backed down, decommissioning the project. Montague knew Dana and sympathised with her plight. For this reason Javahâs body had been frozen until Dana could raise enough money to pay for the transplant. All well away from the prying eyes of the Principal Government.
That day had now come and gone and when she heard Montagueâs voice in her ears her shoulders tightened and her mouth dried up.
âItâs⦠sorry⦠Heâs⦠ready!â Montagueâs voice was low and sombre.
Dana could see his reflection in the window but chose not to look at it. There was a sense of feeling they both recognised. The feeling that what they had done was wrong. Montague looked to the ground and walked out leaving Dana to her thoughts of transgression. She uncrossed her folded arms and rubbed her clammy palms down the side of her kaki trousers.
Turning her body round activated the automatic doors in front of her. Inviting her in, almost luring her. With small steady steps she made her way into the lab. Whether he did it on purpose or not, Montague had dimmed the lighting. Not enough to shroud his latest creation, just enough to highlight it. Dana stopped short of its glistening blue and yellow armour that was bound by the jet-black circuitry and once more crossed her arms and drew a deep breath. The Hucastâs mask had been left on a side table exposing Javahâs face.
His body was positioned upright, held together in an alcove. All manner of circuitry connected into its arms, torso and legs. But his face, pale, remained closed eyed. Dana thought she was starring into Javahâs coffin, something she had never had a chance to do, and something she had never let herself do. She had come too far now to change her mind and her heart thundered behind the purple tunic she wore. Deliberately she moved her hands to her thighs and drew a short breath:
âCan youâ¦â she stopped. Her voice was dry and breaking, she let out an exaggerated cough and spoke again: âCan you hear me?â
As she paused, the neck of the HUcast twitched and his eyes opened gently. Javah had the bluest of eyes. Dana would often compare them to the seas of Coral. But now they were milky and lifeless. They fixed on Dana.
Continued in second post...
I have started a piece of FanFic that runs under the main title of, The Chronicles Of Coral. This is the first part of what is shaping up to be a 5 part epic. Part 2 is already ready waiting too, but I'd love to see what you think of Chapter 1 first.Please leave your critiques, good or bad, I need to understand your feed back and hopefully will learn from it too. Even if you read it and don't want to critique it, just a couple of words to say if you liked it or not would be wonderful and gives a write a good reason to continue.
I hope you enjoy it: It's quite long so please bear with me, the first part is in my first post and it continues in the second [it's a genuine double post here
]The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn
Dana looked forlornly into the recesses of space searching aimlessly for the planet Carol, a planet far beyond her vision. It may have been dying, it may have been overpopulated, it may have been war torn, but to her it was home, or at least she thought so. She had spent too much time away from her she wasnât sure what to think anymore.
Dana was but a five-year old girl, ready to take her place at the Academy of Excellence, when the Principal Government announced a State of Emergency. Scientists confirmed their worst suspicions that one of Coralâs two suns was to go Super Nova, obliterating the entire planet, causing catastrophic damage to the Solar System. So she would never take up arms to protect her home world and would never draw blood for the place that she loved so deeply. Yet she was a very special person, a Pioneer Child, in anticipation of the Governmentâs latest project, which was spun to perfection and promised hope for the anxious citizens of this doomed and soon to be obsolete sphere.
Pioneer Children were the infants of Coral that were somehow more gifted than the average child. They excelled in combat, in the art of techniques, genetics, science, botany, electronics. In fact all the aspects of humanity that would expedite the evolution of the Coralian species on their next voyage. For this reason Coralâs residents grew jealous of its new offspring, fearing that they would be left behind and civil war raged throughout the planet. A war in which she would not fire a single bullet.
From the tender age of twelve Dana was stationed high above the clouds to the moon of Reef. Safe from the increasing dangers that now faced the war torn planet. Here her superior skills in isotopic electronics and biomechanics aided the development of Pioneer 1, the saviour of Coral, or at least so it had been proclaimed. Those people that began work high above their home world were given the name Skylys. Translated from Corals native language to mean, Angels of the Clouds. When probes brought back news of an inhabitable planet, work was stepped up dramatically and with that Dana temporarily lost any aspect of identity and belonging.
Three years past and the ship Pioneer 1 was ready for launch. However its decks were not filled with refugees and the helpless, but instead carried the bulk of the Coralian army, the rich, the influential, the children of the future. The citizens of Coral had been betrayed, as it became a simple matter of survival of the fittest. It blasted off from Reef in search of this new land, this place now named Ragol. Dana would not board this ship. Instead she remained to start work on Pioneer 2, the sister ship, the ship that would carry the remainder of Coralâs Children and the ones strong enough and clever enough to survive the increasingly volatile war.
It was here on Pioneer 2 that she would meet him, on her sixteenth birthday. He was a young Ranger recently commissioned from the front lines. Ready to take his place aboard the new vessel. Escaping the slaughter on the surface, trying to adapt to some kind of twisted sense of normality.
Their love grew and burned brighter than the condemned twin suns that adorned Coralâs sky. She remembers their first touches, caresses, exploring one another; it made her feel so alive. They were the first couple to marry on Pioneer 2 less than a year after its departure. But they made a vow to each other. They would never raise a child on this ship. They wanted it to be born on earth, on genuine soil. They wanted their child to be a child of Ragol, not the next breed of Pioneer Children.
This decision would cost them dear and Dana found herself passed over for promotion time and again. Couples that bred on Pioneer 2 instantly gained more favour with the new found Principal Government. Javah never made it past the rank of Sergeant and spent most of his hours guarding the corridors of Pioneer 2, although what he was guarding them from was a mystery unto itself.
The seven years that they spent on Pioneer 2 were uneventful at best. The mass hoards of Hunters and Guns for Hire that now populated this city in space seemed to have lost their will to fight. In fact they tended to welcome the chance to live beyond their expected expiry dates. But after the seven years of peace war would rage once again when they arrived at this new uncharted land, Ragol.
Their arrival couldnât have been more dramatic! When Principal Tyrell attempted to engage Pioneer1 an almighty explosion erupted on the surface. Shockwaves hit Pioneer 2 and some of the support craft along side were torn apart. Thousands of lives had been snuffed out as easily as a flickering candle flame, but Tyrell had only one thing on his mind, his sole daughter, Rico. She would never be found, but she her name caused hundreds more soldiers and hunters alike to loose their lives in their search for her. One such soldier was Javah, Danaâs husband, Danaâs lover and Danaâs life!
She never found out the specifics, just that his team were ambushed by a group of Booma and a creature that looked similar to a Hildebear but was apparently armour plated. The Hunters christened it Hildetorr and most of them lost their lives trying to claim the reward of countless meseta to who ever killed it.
Dana was unable to function after that and quit her post in research, much to the annoyance of its Chief, Natasha Milarose. She cast off the white lab coat and changed it for a frame and a handgun. For the next six months she walked the path of the Hunter, killing these native beasts and claiming the meseta for their heads. When she had accumulated enough money she visited a man named Montague. He was a young brilliant scientist, part of the same Pioneer Children faction she too had been brought up in. That wasnât what interested her. It was his ability in cybernetics. With so many soldiers being killed so quickly Principal Tyrell had ordered the production of a new line of soldier, the Hucast+. These half men, half robot creations were soon to be decommissioned when the minds of the dead soldiers placed in these bodies began to over load their circuitry. Their brains unable to function knowing that their humanity was actually dead. The Hucast+ was then redesigned using no organic materials whatsoever. They became normal HUcasts once more.
Dana was more than aware though of Montagueâs reputation. He had managed to successfully transplant a dead soldier into the body of a Hucast without the emotional meltdown. In fact the cyborg relished his newfound power in his metal tomb. The controversy though had already overpowered Tyrell and he backed down, decommissioning the project. Montague knew Dana and sympathised with her plight. For this reason Javahâs body had been frozen until Dana could raise enough money to pay for the transplant. All well away from the prying eyes of the Principal Government.
That day had now come and gone and when she heard Montagueâs voice in her ears her shoulders tightened and her mouth dried up.
âItâs⦠sorry⦠Heâs⦠ready!â Montagueâs voice was low and sombre.
Dana could see his reflection in the window but chose not to look at it. There was a sense of feeling they both recognised. The feeling that what they had done was wrong. Montague looked to the ground and walked out leaving Dana to her thoughts of transgression. She uncrossed her folded arms and rubbed her clammy palms down the side of her kaki trousers.
Turning her body round activated the automatic doors in front of her. Inviting her in, almost luring her. With small steady steps she made her way into the lab. Whether he did it on purpose or not, Montague had dimmed the lighting. Not enough to shroud his latest creation, just enough to highlight it. Dana stopped short of its glistening blue and yellow armour that was bound by the jet-black circuitry and once more crossed her arms and drew a deep breath. The Hucastâs mask had been left on a side table exposing Javahâs face.
His body was positioned upright, held together in an alcove. All manner of circuitry connected into its arms, torso and legs. But his face, pale, remained closed eyed. Dana thought she was starring into Javahâs coffin, something she had never had a chance to do, and something she had never let herself do. She had come too far now to change her mind and her heart thundered behind the purple tunic she wore. Deliberately she moved her hands to her thighs and drew a short breath:
âCan youâ¦â she stopped. Her voice was dry and breaking, she let out an exaggerated cough and spoke again: âCan you hear me?â
As she paused, the neck of the HUcast twitched and his eyes opened gently. Javah had the bluest of eyes. Dana would often compare them to the seas of Coral. But now they were milky and lifeless. They fixed on Dana.
Continued in second post...
