Well here is the proluge to it it might be bad
but who cares
DESTINY
prolunge
Soul got the name Soul cause his trainer thought it would be a perfect name for someone with white hair that was only 21.He was training to become a hunter.He trained alot but still wasnt good enough to take the test,once he could beat his master in battle he was ready.One day he was fighting his master,soul got a kick in that sent the trainer into the ground soul tried to elbow slam his trainer while the trainer was on the ground...it didnt work soul ended up hitting the ground straight on with his elbow left him on the ground while he was on the ground he was getting kicked furiously by the trainer finally he got back up only to face an uppercut in the jaw after blocking a few kicks and puches from his trainer he found an open spot...his trainers balls were open he did a kick right into the "jewels" of his trainer and the trainer fell to the ground he had finally won so he was ready to take the test of becoming a hunter...
ended it was ok i thought not the best in the world but ok chapter 1 is coming up later after a few comments since i wanna know i already have chapter1 planned out so i just wanna hear the comments about the prolung(yes i know im spelling prolunge wrong
)
Firstly, this belongs in fan-works
Secondly, nice prologue, though it lacks the depth and detail I desire
Thirdly, you need to practice some grammar, buddy. Double spaces inbetween scentences and such, though I see much in the way of spelling mistakes, everything is so horribly jammed together its a pain to read.
Next, formatting. Its jumbled together. I reccomend adding some space between major action in your paragraphs and such.
Also, length. Quite short, personally, a paragraph doesn't quite fill me up. I hope that your chapters are longer.
Most importantly, detail. You lack a lot of it. Details are what you use to paint the world your characters interact in, without a great number of highly detailed scenarios and such, your story turns out bland :ermm:
Finally, characterization. What do I mean by this? Try giving them more personality, more background. Detailed description about what they like, what annoys them, etc. You want them to feel real, you want them to feel believable. A white haired hunter, whos name is soul.. does not fit the budget.
Overall its okay, your new to writing so I can sympathsize with your mistakes. Try not to take what I saay to personally and keep going
Well what annoys them and stuff we will get into that later i just cant wait to make a certain charcter that is my most beloved char on my sig.here is chapter1.
the chapter were we introduce my favorite character of all but which one?
chapter 1
the pimp of the trade colony
"wake up Soul"-Trainer "i dont wanna"-Soul "you tke your hunter test today"-Trainer "thats today?well i'll get up then just lemme get ready"-Soul as soul got ready for training his trainer was sharpening his spear for extra power on the battlefield when soul fights the other people taking the test for the hunters liscense."Done lets get outta here so we can get to the test on time"-Soul they left the room to only meet another trainer walking out of his room"So you have another one of your losing pupils heh i have a perfect one thats the ultimate hunter and was born to be one"-other trainer "no need to worry this ones different im pretty sure ill win this time around but were off dont want to be late for the test"-trainer "im sure your just begging to lose"-other trainer They had finally made it to the hunters test waiting room souls trainer singed him up as his trainer was signing him up he overheard a talk about some very powerful magic users that were signed up they said they had special powers to suck your life straight out of you "hey soul cmon the test is starting"-trainer "ok im comin"- Soul
As soul was walking into the battlefield area he saw lot of very strange people taking the test he thought he might not win but then he thought that the top 30 get the liscense so no need to worry there was only 70 that enetered in the test.the test was starting now.he was transported into the battlefield area it seemed like a spaceship battlefield "battlefield is ready hunters ready your weapons its gonna be a hard fight we hope you dont get killed anyways it wont matter a magic user has created a magic that revives you so dont worry after the battle if your dead we will be sure to revive you ok ready...3...2...1... BATTLE!!!!!!
As the battle set off soul found himself caught in a battle with four poeple he drew his spear and got ready for battle.there was cuts and slashes from all sides nothing like he had ever seen then SLASH right in souls back he bearly could move as he got up he had just missed a huge blow delivered by someones scyth he got a chance for a move on a another hunter he flew his spear right into the back of the hunter it went straight through the hunters back as the blood spread on the battlefield...
...
sigh..
You still not spacing your sentences, and the dialogue is confusing.
Try spacing out what people say by a line of space, like so.
"blah blah blah blah blah blah" So and so said
"blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah" So and so replied
"blah blah blah" added so and so.
But instead of blah, you have your dialogue, and so and so is replaced by character names. This is a techniqual example, and doesn't fit into the actual text of your story, that you will have to work out on your own.
The title is odd, for the chapter has nothing to do with it :ermm:
But keep going! I'll enjoy watching your talent grow. If you need a good example of the formatting I speak of, follow the link in my siggie to my fiction. That will provide more help than I can give you with a thousand words.
as the blood spread the hunter fell to the ground but after the hunter fell to the ground the scyth went at souls head again"oh s***"-soul soul ducked just in time and and slashed his spear straight up and japped the scyth user straight through the neck and the blood spattered all over souls face soul could see the fear of death and coldness through the hunters body as he did see the inside of his lounges.afetr he KOed 2 people in the battlesoul left the battle and wondered around the battlefield trying to avoid the other fights goin on waiting for the battles to end.While he was walking around the announcer came on"here are the battleboards so far hunters i bet some of you have become the hunted by now ha ha ha but anyways there are 40 people left so much for the other 30 ha ha ha but the one who lasts the longest will recive a special award so remember 1st place will be a very good present for all you hunters out there go for the gold"-announcer While he was walking he was being followed by a strange magic user soul heard something and turned around but there was nothing so he kept on walking,he heard the noise again but started to just ignore the noise now so he kept walking.As he turned the corner he ran into a huge battle he saw a magic user in the battle the battle involved close to 20 people he decided to join in...
He soon noticed that was a bad idea as he saw huge explosions of fire everywhere and bodies flying,as he was running through to a hunter he targeted while he was running towards the hunter he was caught in a huge explosion of the fire,it sent soul flying into the air as the flames tore through the skin and clothes of soul he was burned all over he was laying there tryin to play dead so he could regain energy from the explosion.he got back up but was knocked back down by a wind blow from a magic user he dcided to target one in the battle...unfortuanetly he got close since the wind that was swirling around him.he ran outta of the battle to regain his strength while he was sitting down the announcer came on"good news hunters there are 10 people left be happy your here hunters that are still alive good luck...youll need it"-announcer soul decided to stay put until the last 2 was announced so itwould be one battle between him and the last person standing...after waiting a few minutes the announcer came on again"good news the last 2 hunters are ready for battle there names are...Soul and Bio-Hazard."-announcer as Soul was walking he heard footsteps behind him he turned around and saw the other hunter,it was a magic user.
They started to battle soul took a slash at bio hazard but just was sent flying into the air he started to get shot at by something that was blackish and was headed straight for him he dodged a ton of those some scrapping him lightly. finally he got a slash at bios back and took it,he jabbed right through the back of bio and bio fell to the ground dead soul had won he finally won he got his hunters liscence...
chapters not over sagusa wait for a minute there is more to come its over when i say END ok
After he got his hunters liscense he was congartualted by his trainer and was immeditaly awarded the gold medal. After saying good bye to his trainer he was transffered to a trade colony called zero,he walked onboard his transport ship and found himself sitting by Bio Hazard "I cant believe you beat him i dont see how it was possible i let my gaurd down"-Bio Hazard "I cant believe that i got first place in that battle it almost makes me shed a tear"-Soul "Well im gonna sleep for the rest of the ride but anyways good job and good night"-Bio Hazard Soul went to sleep as well... when they woke up they were at the trade colony,it was h** getting into the place after 2 hours of waiting they made into the colony and both went seperate ways as they started the first step of becoming a hunter...
As Soul wondered around he got a hotel room in the holiday inn cost alot but after winning he made lots of money. He unpacked his stuff until it was 11 at night so he went out in the colony and found a nightclub called Grandmastah's bar so he went it since he saw a ton of people there. When he enetered he saw a guy in a robe that was black and red sorda tannish with girls hangin all over him some topless he hade gold rings that were huge all over him with gold necklesses sayin bling bling on them so soul decided to walk towards him to see who he was. "Who are you"-soul "your mama b****"-??? "hmph well just tell me i just became a hunter and was sent to this colony"-soul "A hunter hmm well they call me GrandmasterT around here i remember when i became a hunter came in first place since i am a magic user i still hunt just i have to come back to my bar sometimes"-GrandmasterT "Maybe we could join up and hunt"-Soul "hmm well i guess i could join your team of hunters itd make 2 of us now we need a gun user to help though"-GrandmasterT "we will just find one"-Soul "ok well hang out for a while here have some fun"-GrandmasterT "ok i guess i could"-Soul
AS soul and GrandmasterT were gettin wasted they had no idea what was about to come...
THE END of chapter1 ok there will be more sometime later after i can think of more
.
apparently,
not a word I have said has made a bit of a difference, now has it? So there is no more need for me to post any more words, now is there?
Sadly, thats the truth of the matter.
urprise:
I can read it ispaced some sentences so there i listned the quoted need a little help but you cn still read it.=/
trevman0 Wrote:I can read it ispaced some sentences so there i listned the quoted need a little help but you cn still read it.=/
Woah there, slow down.
No need to type so fast that your words jumble together like that, not to mention spelling.
If you read my above posts, they apply to the entire chapter. Hopefully you can find some use from them. Though I would like to stress my point about grammar.
Hardly a comma, or even a period for that matter, in sight!
Careful, just chose your words carefully.