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BRAND NEW FanFic: The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn - Printable Version

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BRAND NEW FanFic: The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn - Azbats - 14-08-2004

Hiya guys Smile I have started a piece of FanFic that runs under the main title of, The Chronicles Of Coral. This is the first part of what is shaping up to be a 5 part epic. Part 2 is already ready waiting too, but I'd love to see what you think of Chapter 1 first.

Please leave your critiques, good or bad, I need to understand your feed back and hopefully will learn from it too. Even if you read it and don't want to critique it, just a couple of words to say if you liked it or not would be wonderful and gives a write a good reason to continue.

I hope you enjoy it: It's quite long so please bear with me, the first part is in my first post and it continues in the second [it's a genuine double post here Smile]


The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn


Dana looked forlornly into the recesses of space searching aimlessly for the planet Carol, a planet far beyond her vision. It may have been dying, it may have been overpopulated, it may have been war torn, but to her it was home, or at least she thought so. She had spent too much time away from her she wasn’t sure what to think anymore.

Dana was but a five-year old girl, ready to take her place at the Academy of Excellence, when the Principal Government announced a State of Emergency. Scientists confirmed their worst suspicions that one of Coral’s two suns was to go Super Nova, obliterating the entire planet, causing catastrophic damage to the Solar System. So she would never take up arms to protect her home world and would never draw blood for the place that she loved so deeply. Yet she was a very special person, a Pioneer Child, in anticipation of the Government’s latest project, which was spun to perfection and promised hope for the anxious citizens of this doomed and soon to be obsolete sphere.

Pioneer Children were the infants of Coral that were somehow more gifted than the average child. They excelled in combat, in the art of techniques, genetics, science, botany, electronics. In fact all the aspects of humanity that would expedite the evolution of the Coralian species on their next voyage. For this reason Coral’s residents grew jealous of its new offspring, fearing that they would be left behind and civil war raged throughout the planet. A war in which she would not fire a single bullet.

From the tender age of twelve Dana was stationed high above the clouds to the moon of Reef. Safe from the increasing dangers that now faced the war torn planet. Here her superior skills in isotopic electronics and biomechanics aided the development of Pioneer 1, the saviour of Coral, or at least so it had been proclaimed. Those people that began work high above their home world were given the name Skylys. Translated from Corals native language to mean, Angels of the Clouds. When probes brought back news of an inhabitable planet, work was stepped up dramatically and with that Dana temporarily lost any aspect of identity and belonging.

Three years past and the ship Pioneer 1 was ready for launch. However its decks were not filled with refugees and the helpless, but instead carried the bulk of the Coralian army, the rich, the influential, the children of the future. The citizens of Coral had been betrayed, as it became a simple matter of survival of the fittest. It blasted off from Reef in search of this new land, this place now named Ragol. Dana would not board this ship. Instead she remained to start work on Pioneer 2, the sister ship, the ship that would carry the remainder of Coral’s Children and the ones strong enough and clever enough to survive the increasingly volatile war.

It was here on Pioneer 2 that she would meet him, on her sixteenth birthday. He was a young Ranger recently commissioned from the front lines. Ready to take his place aboard the new vessel. Escaping the slaughter on the surface, trying to adapt to some kind of twisted sense of normality.

Their love grew and burned brighter than the condemned twin suns that adorned Coral’s sky. She remembers their first touches, caresses, exploring one another; it made her feel so alive. They were the first couple to marry on Pioneer 2 less than a year after its departure. But they made a vow to each other. They would never raise a child on this ship. They wanted it to be born on earth, on genuine soil. They wanted their child to be a child of Ragol, not the next breed of Pioneer Children.

This decision would cost them dear and Dana found herself passed over for promotion time and again. Couples that bred on Pioneer 2 instantly gained more favour with the new found Principal Government. Javah never made it past the rank of Sergeant and spent most of his hours guarding the corridors of Pioneer 2, although what he was guarding them from was a mystery unto itself.

The seven years that they spent on Pioneer 2 were uneventful at best. The mass hoards of Hunters and Guns for Hire that now populated this city in space seemed to have lost their will to fight. In fact they tended to welcome the chance to live beyond their expected expiry dates. But after the seven years of peace war would rage once again when they arrived at this new uncharted land, Ragol.

Their arrival couldn’t have been more dramatic! When Principal Tyrell attempted to engage Pioneer1 an almighty explosion erupted on the surface. Shockwaves hit Pioneer 2 and some of the support craft along side were torn apart. Thousands of lives had been snuffed out as easily as a flickering candle flame, but Tyrell had only one thing on his mind, his sole daughter, Rico. She would never be found, but she her name caused hundreds more soldiers and hunters alike to loose their lives in their search for her. One such soldier was Javah, Dana’s husband, Dana’s lover and Dana’s life!

She never found out the specifics, just that his team were ambushed by a group of Booma and a creature that looked similar to a Hildebear but was apparently armour plated. The Hunters christened it Hildetorr and most of them lost their lives trying to claim the reward of countless meseta to who ever killed it.

Dana was unable to function after that and quit her post in research, much to the annoyance of its Chief, Natasha Milarose. She cast off the white lab coat and changed it for a frame and a handgun. For the next six months she walked the path of the Hunter, killing these native beasts and claiming the meseta for their heads. When she had accumulated enough money she visited a man named Montague. He was a young brilliant scientist, part of the same Pioneer Children faction she too had been brought up in. That wasn’t what interested her. It was his ability in cybernetics. With so many soldiers being killed so quickly Principal Tyrell had ordered the production of a new line of soldier, the Hucast+. These half men, half robot creations were soon to be decommissioned when the minds of the dead soldiers placed in these bodies began to over load their circuitry. Their brains unable to function knowing that their humanity was actually dead. The Hucast+ was then redesigned using no organic materials whatsoever. They became normal HUcasts once more.

Dana was more than aware though of Montague’s reputation. He had managed to successfully transplant a dead soldier into the body of a Hucast without the emotional meltdown. In fact the cyborg relished his newfound power in his metal tomb. The controversy though had already overpowered Tyrell and he backed down, decommissioning the project. Montague knew Dana and sympathised with her plight. For this reason Javah’s body had been frozen until Dana could raise enough money to pay for the transplant. All well away from the prying eyes of the Principal Government.

That day had now come and gone and when she heard Montague’s voice in her ears her shoulders tightened and her mouth dried up.

“It’s… sorry… He’s… ready!” Montague’s voice was low and sombre.
Dana could see his reflection in the window but chose not to look at it. There was a sense of feeling they both recognised. The feeling that what they had done was wrong. Montague looked to the ground and walked out leaving Dana to her thoughts of transgression. She uncrossed her folded arms and rubbed her clammy palms down the side of her kaki trousers.

Turning her body round activated the automatic doors in front of her. Inviting her in, almost luring her. With small steady steps she made her way into the lab. Whether he did it on purpose or not, Montague had dimmed the lighting. Not enough to shroud his latest creation, just enough to highlight it. Dana stopped short of its glistening blue and yellow armour that was bound by the jet-black circuitry and once more crossed her arms and drew a deep breath. The Hucast’s mask had been left on a side table exposing Javah’s face.

His body was positioned upright, held together in an alcove. All manner of circuitry connected into its arms, torso and legs. But his face, pale, remained closed eyed. Dana thought she was starring into Javah’s coffin, something she had never had a chance to do, and something she had never let herself do. She had come too far now to change her mind and her heart thundered behind the purple tunic she wore. Deliberately she moved her hands to her thighs and drew a short breath:

“Can you…” she stopped. Her voice was dry and breaking, she let out an exaggerated cough and spoke again: “Can you hear me?”

As she paused, the neck of the HUcast twitched and his eyes opened gently. Javah had the bluest of eyes. Dana would often compare them to the seas of Coral. But now they were milky and lifeless. They fixed on Dana.

Continued in second post...

BRAND NEW FanFic: The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn - Azbats - 14-08-2004

“Do you know who I am?” She questioned, her eyes beginning to well with tears.

The HUcast paused deliberately and then replied, “You are Dana Pearce, class one Ranger.”

A slight smile teased itself at the ends of Dana’s mouth and she felt the tears now fall down her cheeks.

“Do you know who you are?” Her voice was breaking and she lifted her hand to cover her mouth, using her thumb and index finger to wipe away her tears.

“I am HUcast, Javah, commissioned by Dr Montague for active Hunter duties on behalf of The Principal Government.”

Dana edged towards the Hucast pressing her chest and thighs firmly against his cold exterior. She pushed herself up on tiptoes and forced her lips against his. His skin was ice to touch his features never altered; she pulled away.

“You’re wrong.” She started, “You’re my husband.”

“He wont remember things like that Dana.” Came Montague’s voice from behind her.

“We can’t let them remember the past.”

Dana remained quiet and turned to face Montague, “Thank you!” She exclaimed.

Suddenly the Viridian symbol on Javah’s chest started to flash and Principal Tyrell’s voice mechanically blurted out:

“Squad 5 HUcasts to the main transporter, repeat Squad 5 HUcasts to the main transporter. Immediately!”

“What’s going on?” Cried Dana.

“It’s an automated response.” Montague replied. “Once a Hucast is active it instantly enters the Pioneer databases.”

Javah snapped into action grabbing his mask and fixing it into place. With precision and speed he went over to the weapons cabinet removing one of the photon sabres inside and started towards the turbo lifts. Just before he exited the room he paused and turned to an invention that Montague had been working on. The HUcast scooped up the Frozen Shooter and breezed out of the lab.

“Javah?” Dana cried, “She spun her confused head around to where the concerned Doctor stood. “That was him?”

Dana then did the only thing her heart told her to and ran after him catching the lift just before the door closed behind him. Panting she looked at his face, the mask disguising any emotion, any feelings. But she didn’t know what to say and before she could think the door opened outside the front of the main transporter. Eleven more HUcasts were already getting into position. A Private and a Sergeant guarded Ragol’s main logistical doorway.

“What the hell’s going on Private?” Dana demanded.

“We got a research team trapped on the surface, Ma’am.” The Private replied. “Booma’s been spotted in the area. Just sending in the cavalry s’all.”

“Give me your side arm and your shield?” Dana gestured with her hand towards the Private’s handgun.

“I can’t do that ma’am, you know the rules.”

The Sergeant looked across and recognised Dana. Javah had spent many an hour guarding this doorway to the future with him.

“Do what the lady says.” The Sergeant replied calmly.

“Sir?” Quizzed the Private.

“DO WHAT THE LADY SAYS!” The Sergeant shouted.

Confused the Private drew out his side arm and handed it to Dana. He then stripped a thick metallic bracelet from his arm. Dana snatched them and raced to join the HUcasts in the transporter.

“You better bring them back.” Smirked the Sergeant as he moved to the release switch.

Dana’s eyes flashed to meet his and she confirmed with a determined nod. Then bright light and her feet were on softer ground, Ragol.

Three scientists were running as fast as they could towards the rescue team, pursued by a group of salivating Booma, desperate for their next meal. Dana activated a panel in her belt causing a small glass capsule to drop into the palm of her hand. She threw it in front of her feet and it burst into a spectrum of colour and light.

“Get into the pipe NOW!” Dana screamed and took up a position to block the Booma’s from cutting off the scientists. The rest of the HUcasts sprung into action engaging the wild native creatures. Javah included. “Something’s wrong.” Dana uttered to herself as she lay down cover fire. “The Booma; they’re herding the scientists.”

Dana felt the ground beneath her rumble. She struggled to retain her balance and fell to the floor. The scientists who were running to the telepipe also feel to their knees.

“TRY TO RUN TO ME.” Cried Dana, but the technicians were now to scared to even move. Then it happened.

As if the devil himself had torn the hole, the earth burst open. Mud and debris scattered to all directions ripping into the HUcasts tearing three of them instantly apart. It stood over fifteen foot tall, heavy grey scale like armour covered it from head to toe and two almighty horns adorned its massive head.

“HILDETORR!!!” Screamed one of the scientists. His exclamation was short lived as the Torr scooped him up crushing him instantly. His gargled screech pieced Dana’s ears. This was the one; the one that had robbed her of a happy life and had robbed her of the farther of their future children.

“You sonna’va bitch! I’m gonna kill you!” She murmured between closed teeth.

The Torr started to run through the HUcasts ripping, tearing; blasting putrid megid from its mouth. Dana fired volley after volley from her handgun but the shots merely bounced off its plated skin. However it was enough to attract its attention. Rising itself high in the air the Hildetorr leapt over the bodies of Booma and HUcasts alike landing with an earth-shattering thud sending Dana spiralling to the floor. Out of the corner of her eye she saw its massive fists pounding towards her. With the last ounce of her strength she thrust her left arm in the air, activating the photon shield she had commandeered from the Private. With a hellish crunch the shield disintegrated when the mammoth knuckles rammed into it. Now she was helpless, with this abomination towering high over her. It was now she realised how Javah must of felt and she waited for the last blow to finish her off.

As the fist flew towards her a dazzling green light swept between it and her and the Hildetorr’s fist went flying across the ground. The Torr squealed in agony at the loss of its hand and snatched at the figure that had attempted to humble it. But the HUcast resisted and still continued to hack at the monumental beast. It’s blue and yellow armour dazzling in the noonday sun. The Hildetorr squeezed its adversary harder crushing its torso and abdomen. The HUcast released an uncharacteristic scream of pain.

“JAVAH!!!” Cried Dana tears pouring down her muddied face.

With everything he had, Javah plunged his sabre deep into the Torr’s eye. Disorientated it dropped Javah’s broken body. Roaring and hissing in excruciating pain. Dana crawled on all fours to the nearest weapon she could find, collecting the Frozen Shooter that Javah had snatched from the lab. She spun around and fired as many times as she possibly could covering the Torr in a thick blanket of ice, one that it would never escape. With distain she cast away the frosted over rifle and collected her handgun from the ground. Spinning the trigger guard with her index finger her arm suddenly straightened and she fired a charge directly into the block of Hildetorr ice, shattering it instantly. Each piece containing a part of Ragol’s fiercest predator.

Dana fell to her knees panting for breath but was quick to clamber to Javah’s fallen body. She tore the mask from off his face exposing the features of the man she once knew, cradling his head in her kaki lap.

“We’ll fix you up. We’ll make you well again.” Sobbed Dana unable to contain the vivid emotion that had plagued her for the last year.

Javah mustered a small smile and raised his hand to touch her cheek, metal on flesh: “No.” He started, “Leave me here… we’re home!”

Dana erupted into a desperate cry of grief and pushed his head to her bosom rocking gently as she did. The HUcast’s milky eyes slowly closed and Dana remained at his side as the remaining HUcast survivors called Pioneer for a recon team. After a couple of minutes she raised herself up and limped towards the telepipe, ushering the two remaining scientists to join her. Within seconds she stood once more on the metallic floorboards of Pioneer 2. A team of engineers stood by trying to salvage the remains of the HUcast force, Montague amongst them.

“Where’s Javah?” He asked a weary Dana.

She looked deep into Montague’s eyes and smiled as best she could: “My husband died over a year ago Dr Montague.”

He sighed and placed his hand on her shoulder: “I know, Dana” He frowned. “I know.”

BRAND NEW FanFic: The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn - Mikaelus - 14-08-2004

Nice work, man. I should try this sometime.

BRAND NEW FanFic: The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn - Sagasu - 14-08-2004

Not much has changed from my origional opinion on your work.

Though do expect no mercy from me when we get to the parts I have not yet had the pleasure of seeing.

BRAND NEW FanFic: The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn - Azbats - 14-08-2004

Sagasu Wrote:Not much has changed from my origional opinion on your work.

Though do expect no mercy from me when we get to the parts I have not yet had the pleasure of seeing.

I knew that already... mercy isn't a word in your vocab Big Grin

But seriously, you know how much I appreciate your feedback, and as you can see I have actually changed aspects of the ending based on your past critique [works both ways you see Big Grin] and suggestions.

By the way people Sagasu himself is an EXCELLENT writer and I [and you too Big Grin] will be extreemly glad when he posts some pieces on this forum. Hopefully the sooner the better

BRAND NEW FanFic: The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn - Freaky kid - 14-08-2004

that was a very good story azbats, i realy like reading fan fictions...

BRAND NEW FanFic: The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn - rena-ko - 14-08-2004

you shaped it up a bit, good work on that.

i expect more and i expect it to be even better, dare you Wink

BRAND NEW FanFic: The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn - Sagasu - 14-08-2004

Azbats Wrote:I knew that already... mercy isn't a word in your vocab Big Grin

But seriously, you know how much I appreciate your feedback, and as you can see I have actually changed aspects of the ending based on your past critique [works both ways you see Big Grin] and suggestions.

By the way people Sagasu himself is an EXCELLENT writer and I [and you too Big Grin] will be extreemly glad when he posts some pieces on this forum. Hopefully the sooner the better

Ack!

I've been promoted! :O Wink

I have seen that, and only hope to provide more helpfull crits as you move along storywise ^_^

BRAND NEW FanFic: The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn - BeckieV - 14-08-2004

Well, I think it was amazing! I have never read this before and love it! I mean it's GREAT! I really love the whole plot so far. I am so looking forward to reading more. Smile

BRAND NEW FanFic: The Chronicles of Coral: Exodus Dawn - Shifty - 14-08-2004

i liked the love-relationship thing, something you rarely see in pso fan fictions.
i really enjoyed it.
look forward to the next installments