Depression management

[Kashima]

Well it would seem this is most certainly the month for suicidal ideations. In helping master of chaos through his crisis ive come to a few realizations about my own life and the many things within it i am not happy about but even more so that i cannot control. Ill post this here and now im not going to commit suicide nor is this in any way hinting at it. Like ive said on previous threads its goes against my moral codes to take ones own life it is the highest form of weakness one can show, and weakness has never been a luxury allowed to me. I think most people would find it odd how i call weakness a luxury most people resent themselves for being weak. While i have always resented others because i couldnt be. I said earlier that i was trained at a very young age not to focus to heavily on negative emotion. Made my parents job a lot easier when i didnt cry or get upset or throw tantrums even when i should have. Now its about ten years later and i have an inability to show most emotions in a normal and healthy way. On most days im crying inside yet i smile and laugh for the benefit of others . When im angry i feel afraid because i never know where this maelstrom of repressed emotions will lead me. I realize its wrong for one to bring about their own death. However is it really so bad for someone to want death to find them? Most would say in times of need fall back on friends and family. I HAVE FAMILY in the sense that i have multiple individuals that i share common blood and D.N.A. with however i dont have a family in the sense of people i am close to and trust. I live in a home made of emotional walls and i have completely walled in. I share no relation with mother father or sister i am an outcast within my family people generally make themselves feel better simply by spiting me despite the fact that i do my best to help them all whenever i can. I wonder does anyone know how it feels to live in a home where you cant laugh cry or show any semblance of human trait because to do so is to show weakness thus leaving yourself attacked from multiple angles. If something makes me happy in the eyes of my family it must be false or unclean if it makes me sad its something thats my own fault and done solely to make them look bad. Im curious as to where one can go when all they have is the vast recesses of their own thoughts. At this point this is nothing more than a rant as i try to relieve tension everyone can feel free to reply as they see fit or not