Fanfic: The Battle Angel Chronicles

[Judgment]

Nice. I like it so far ^_^

[Teh EkwEE]

I had Kisazani critique it earlier so it should get even better. Some story development problems, I didn't realized were there until afterwards. SO, thanks to Kisazani for pointing those things out to me.

Also I've got a request from DZ saying he wants to be placed into meh story. So DZ I've decided your going to be on the side of the Archangel Infidels (the Morning Star's army) complimentry with black dragon wings, wicked sythe, and English broad sword. You like yes???

[Deadly Zero]

alright then let see how good this story will be then

[Teh EkwEE]

I've already written chapter 2. You will premier in chapter 3 or 4. Probably chapter 4.

[Deadly Zero]

I read chap 2 and it was greta also and cant wait till my character comes out in chap 4 or 3.

[Teh EkwEE]

________Chapter 2: Awakening The Warrior________

Pushing his jet black hair away from his face, Malachai tried to listen for the sound of his sparring partner. Flapping his wings he flew higher up, getting a better view of the area Malachai looked up the ground below him. Nothing. Hearing a whoosing sound looked upbove him. Met by the sun, he was blinded. Being blinded, he couldn't see the boot that appeared suddenly before his face. With a sickening crack Zyro's heel contacted right between Malachai's sky blue eyes, causing them to glaze over. As Malachai plumeted to the ground he was caught by his sparring partner and friend. Upon being sat on the ground outside the circle Malachai tried to gather his thoughts through his new splitting headache.
"What did you do?" He mumbled, as he covered a hand over his eyes.
"When you turned during Boar Rushes Down the Mountian, I flew up into the sky hiding in the sun. I timed my wing thrusts with yours, in order to mask my sound. Then when you looked up and were blinded, I struck you in between the eyes, to further blind you. Had we been out fighting for real you'd be dead." Smirking Zyro lifted Malachai off the ground. "C'mon we've got more practicing to do.
" That's genious," he smiled, before grimacing."I can barely stand with this headache!" Malachai moaned. Standing up he went to retrieve his swords. The beautifully crafted wepons that resembled swords with hooks opposited the blades. Staring at the insignia of the battle angel he smiled. It could be worse, I could be dead he thought. Hefting his swords he looked at his partner. "How about we do some ground based fighting till my headache goes away."
"Sure, I guess I could use a break from flying as well." Drawing their blades they ran towards one another. Zyro, with his long blade, and Malachai, with his twin light swords. Clashing they flowed through the battle forms they'd been taught. Malachai perfoming Parting the Silk, Zyro evading and countering with Wading the Stream. Countering, parrying, slashing, dodgding, evading. Malachai becoming one with the blades, synchonized with his partner, they were a perfect fit. Here time was warped, hours could seem like days, minutes weeks. Nothing was really real, other than the fighting Malachai constantly endured, the exhaustion, the fatigue was real, or so he thought. He focused again, his headache disappering for the time being, the fighting continued. Matching slash for slash, strike for strike, Malachai was growing weary. And by the look of things so was Zyro. Sweat streamed down from Zyro's dark brown hair into his dark eyes. This couldn't go on much longer. Exhaustion was starting to overtake him. He had to finish Zyro now before he collapsed. Using his final bit of strength Malachai thrust his wings. Up above Zyro he folded his wings and rolled into his decent flipping. Landing in a crouch behind Zyro, he stood, with lighting speed he flipped his sword, hilt in both hands, and thrust it, in between the space between his arm and torso.
"Match." Malachai stated, looking to see the sword in the slit between shoulder blades and the place where the his jet black wings started. "Looks like I hit my mark." he gave a forced laugh before collapsing from pure exhaustion.

Waking up he was staring up into the eyes of Commander of Training General Zal.
"Ah. I see your awake." he smiled "You've been working yourself to death, literally, but that's what we do so I guess we shouldn't worry to much, eh?
Malachai hurt everywhere, he could barely move. Putting fist to heart in the traditional salute he asked the general a question. "Why are you here General Zal?" Instead of smiling though the general suddenly looked very saddened.
"I've been watching you Malachai. You and Zyro both. You both have become fast friends, I regret to inform you that you both being dispatched to different units for further training. He to the 325th Legionare Heavy Calvary Pegasi Unit, 58th Squadron. You, after observing your blade skills, have been deemed to train further with the 250th Legionare Special Tactics Blade Master Unit, 73rd Squadron. I'm sorry" the General added almost as if an after thought. "You need to get rations together, and leave ASAP. We have a Pegasus out side waiting for you, You'll still have time to see Zyro however. He'll be escorting you there." Again the General smiled. "You should get ready now in case you miss your ride."

After packing Malachai went to the stables where the Pegasus calvary units were held. Seeing Zyro's short, curly brown hair over the rest of the stable hands' heads, Malachai walked over. Meeting his friends giant smile he could help but crack a smile back. Zyro, clasping Malachai's forearm, spoke first.
"I'm going to be fighting on one of these." he said, turning back to the sleek white mount. Stroking the smooth, white feathers, Malachai spoke to his friend without looking at him.
"Yes, but that means we split up. We've come to rely on each other, depend on each other," his voice cracked, "I don't know anyone else." His friend clasped him on the shoulder before mounting.
"Come on then, we'd best be going." Mounting up, Zyro clasped arms with his friend boosting him up. Malachai was amazed at the amount of muscle mass he and his friend had both amassed. Malachai's arms were nearly three times bigger than they were in life. Zyro's nearly tree-trunk arms felt like grasping brick walls. Once on the Pegasus, they walked it out onto the small platform over the training building that overlooked the training grounds. Heeling the horse it started to run, at the edge Zyro took the extra reins that encircled the white pegasi's wings and flicked them. The animal thrusts out it's massive wings and took flight. Malachai held on to his friend for dear life as they flew over the training grounds. The view would have been beautiful if not for the constant training of the battle angels below. But still, he didn't like flying, he never had. Zyro looked like it was the most exciting moment in his life, or afterlife for that matter. But still, Malachai didn't like it. They continued flying up and on until the massive expanse of the training grounds were nothing but a speck on the horizon. Malachai noticed they were heading away from the frontlines. He wondered why that was.

They traveled until they couldn't stay awake any longer then stopped to camp for the night, but it wasn't really night, the sun was still up. On and on they went, they kept pushing their sleek white mare on and on. Until finally one day, or night, Malachai wasn't sure, they arrived at a much smaller training ground of about one-hundred thousand troops. They all used swords of some kind or another. Malachai guessed their journey had come to an end. Landing the Pegasi, both Zyro and Malachai dismounted. Feeling an ebbing increase in dread, Malachai felt he had to say something.
"We'll meet again on the battle field." he said with conviction in his voice. Zyro laughed. Laughed!
"Once again, 'Let the battle begin'." Malachai laughed through blurring vision. That motto had always sounded fairly childish, but in this case, it sounded appropriate. Once one battle ended, another always seemed to begin.
"Till we meet again friend, don't die." Zyro said, this time he had the tears streaming down his face.
Malachai nodded his head."Agreed." After clasping forearms again his friend mounted and took off.
"Remember," he yelled back, "Don't die!".

Turning away from the speck in the sky that was Zyro, he walked up to the guards standing out front. With their shining breast plates, and razor sharp pikes they were a fearsome looking. Walking up to the one on the left Malachai saluted with right fist to heart. "Reporting for training at
the 250th Legionaire Special Tactics Blade Master Unit, 73rd Squadron, is Lieutenant 5th Class Battle Angel Malachai. I have my reassignment orders here." handing the man the paper General Zal had given him, he scanned the words written on it.
The man smiled at him. Clapping a fist to heart, he saluted. "Welcome Officer 1st Class Special Tactics Blade Master Malachai. Welcome to the 250th Legionaire Special Tactics Blade Master Unit, 73rd Squadron. Remeber, this is your last training stop before reaching the front lines, our motto is: 'Awaken the Warrior'. You must abide by this motto if you're to live. Do you understand?
Nodding, Malachai returned the motto. "To 'Awaken the warrior'." Looking the man in the eyes, he nodded. As Malachai walked through the huge, pointed arch doors, he was greeted by the sound of clashing steel.
______________End Chapter 2: Awakening The Warrior_______________

What do you all think? This took me about two and a half hours to type.

Stay tuned to Chapter 3: Blade Masters of Heaven's Army

[Kisanzi]

Nice work! I see you've added in some of the suggested details and right from the start it sounded great. It's good to see that your story arc is starting to build and I'd assume that we can expect some dramatic and intense moments on the way. Keep up the good work.

[Teh EkwEE]

I plan on it.

[Teh EkwEE]

So here comes chapter 3. In case you were wondering why I hadn't written Chapter 3, I was grounded. I'm only going to give you enough today to salivate over. I'm still trying to develop the finer points of what the story is going to be all about. In this chapter I will debut Ivan, as he said he thought my story was 'freakin' awesome' I decided to flatter him.

Note: I plan on taking the story in a more "adult" direction, that is more graphic gore, deaths, some sex(nothing too graphic there,don't wanna get in trouble). Things like that. You can't have a war without violence.

__________________Chapter 3: Blade Masters of Heaven's Army________

Dodge, parry, strike. Attack, cut. Don't give the enemy a chance to fight back. Cut utterly, cut completely, cut to kill.
In the subsequent time Malachai had been here his life had become nothing but fighting, it was all that mattered. Looking at his sparring partner, he smirked. Having constantly changed 'enemies' he had learned to observe and predict the enemies fighting style. With that came learning how to counter, which wasn't all that hard, now.
Smirking back, his opponent, an Unfaithful name Vasi, who was a suprisingly beautiful woman, turned to kick him. Catching her foot, he twisted it, snapping the bone. Crying out in pain she fell to the ground in a heap, covering up the now protruding leg bone. Too bad he had to fight her. Her dark azure eyes, and dirty blonde, waist length hair were beautiful. With her figure he supposed any sort of hair or eye color would have been beautiful. She was more than beautiful though,she was gorgeous.
Since arriving and discovering there were women in the army, Malachai discovered they took advantage of their smaller size, and greater speed. His now healed, broken arm was testament to that. The first time he thought he had hurt a 'poor defenseless female' he rushed over to help her, only to have her swing her extremely heavy, blunt mace at him, which shattered his arm. It was now healed, but the pain still lingered somewhat.
"Why did you do that!" Vasi yelled, tears streaming down her face to drip off her nose. Laughing Malachai pointed the tip of his sword at her.
"You know damn well you're not hurt, you can still fly, get up and fight." Sniffling, Vasi lifted a hand out toward Malachai. Smacking the hand away with his sword his voice become a venomous hiss. "The last time I did that, my arm was shattered into more pieces than I cared to count. Get up, now, or give up." Watching the sudden glare blooming on Vasi's face, Malachai swallowed. Vasi's voice was venom repaid in kind.
"You are going to pay for breaking my leg..." She left unsaid what she would do, but Malachai imagined that she had many, many ideas. He decided he wouldn't let her win. He didn't have to kill her, he just had to make her give up. No more, no less.
Rising, she pulled her foot as she forcefully pushed the bone back in, with a loud crunch the bone went through the opening and set itself. Malachai always cringed when confronted with something like bones breaking. It seemed as if the pain wasn't the only thing still lingering from his injury.
Slowly flapping his wings to get the circulation flowing back into them, Malachai stood waiting for Vasi to remeber they were still engaged in a duel. Tying a strip of cloth that she had just torn from her skirt, around the gaping wound, she looked up and smiled. Malachai, looking at the exposed flesh of her upper thigh that now showed through from the area the strip of cloth had been torn from, forgot Vasi was looking at him. After all, female battle angel's skirts were short to begin with, now Vasi's skirt left very, very little to the imagination. Malachai forgot where he was until she cleared her throat. Looking up into her dark azure eyes, she spoke.
"Not many would have the gall to do what you just did. Snapping my leg bone with out a moments thought, how chilvalrous of you, treating a poor woman with such brutality. I have to commend you on your skill, though. I did not expect you to be so good, so soon after arriving, but I think it's time to finish this." Vasi, flapping her sleek, jet black wings, smiled. Spinning her razor sharp pike she lauched herself into the air.
Smiling to himself, Malachai flew into the air, following her.
___________________________________________________________
This is it for today. My friend and I are going to go do something. So what do you think?

[Kisanzi]

*Salivates*

The main character is finally taking shape and developing his own distinct personality which makes reading about him very engaging now. The only problem in this section was how choppy your typing got at the end. I sympathize that it is hard to keep your train of thought going on a scene and trying to revise it at the same time, but after you finish and post it you should do a little touch up work to make sure that it is smooth for the audience to read. That aside, I look forward to reading more in the future.