Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Fanfic: The Battle Angel Chronicles
#21
Kisanzi Wrote:*Salivates*

The main character is finally taking shape and developing his own distinct personality which makes reading about him very engaging now. The only problem in this section was how choppy your typing got at the end. I sympathize that it is hard to keep your train of thought going on a scene and trying to revise it at the same time, but after you finish and post it you should do a little touch up work to make sure that it is smooth for the audience to read. That aside, I look forward to reading more in the future.

Could you point out exactly what you mean? I'm not totally sure what you're saying. Do you mean like I'm jumping around from thought to thought?
[Image: logo_gc_fireemblem_medium.jpg]
"How fortunate for those in power that people do not think"-Adolf Hitler
Reply
#22
Lines like: "Slowly flappings his wings", "spinning her razor shap pike" or "I have commend you on your skill".

They are very small errors, but I found myself caught up on them for a seconds thought. It's not so much a content error as it is just a typo. I usually let them slide but in such a heated scene they hung me up a little more than normal.
PSU Character:
Izurei - Level 50 Cast, Rank 10 Ranger/Rank 3 Force (Future Guntecher) - Universe 2 or 15
Reply
#23
Oh, okay I'll get on that right away, thanks for the continuing help. Big Grin

Edit: I went back and changed the spelling errors, I also altered the story abit to allow to make more sense. Reread it and tell me what you think.
[Image: logo_gc_fireemblem_medium.jpg]
"How fortunate for those in power that people do not think"-Adolf Hitler
Reply
#24
Ahhhh...much better. Those little typo's made me read it like I had the hiccups, but it's much smoother now. I noticed some of the changes and they seemed to flesh out the action much better. I personally like the addition of Malachai's impulses (i.e. "checking out" Vasi). Not that I'm a fan of womanizing, but those little traits give the characters a much more "human" personality. It was a welcomed change and a good addition for shaping Malachai's character a little more.
PSU Character:
Izurei - Level 50 Cast, Rank 10 Ranger/Rank 3 Force (Future Guntecher) - Universe 2 or 15
Reply
#25
Thanks that's kinda what I was going for. I didn't intend him to be a womanizer, but he's a guy, and she's pretty much naked from the waist down. So I figured if he doesn't leer then he really isn't going to seem all that real.
[Image: logo_gc_fireemblem_medium.jpg]
"How fortunate for those in power that people do not think"-Adolf Hitler
Reply
#26
nice kepp up the work
Iori Yagami:"Only one of the bloodline can control such power, such power can only be mine!!"
Stupid forum rules.....:'( no more bunny
Reply
#27
Okay I'm going to post my previous portion of chapter 3. More for completeness sake than anything else.


__________________Chapter 3: Blade Masters of Heaven's Army________

Dodge, parry, strike. Attack, cut. Don't give the enemy a chance to fight back. Cut utterly, cut completely, cut to kill.
In the subsequent time Malachai had been here his life had become nothing but fighting, it was all that mattered. Looking at his sparring partner, he smirked. Having constantly changed 'enemies' he had learned to observe and predict the enemies fighting style. With that came learning how to counter, which wasn't all that hard, now.
Smirking back, his opponent, an Unfaithful name Vasi, who was a suprisingly beautiful woman, turned to kick him. Catching her foot, he twisted it, snapping the bone. Crying out in pain she fell to the ground in a heap, covering up the now protruding leg bone. Too bad he had to fight her. Her dark azure eyes, and dirty blonde, waist length hair were beautiful. With her figure he supposed any sort of hair or eye color would have been beautiful. She was more than beautiful though,she was gorgeous.
Since arriving and discovering there were women in the army, Malachai discovered they took advantage of their smaller size, and greater speed. His now healed, broken arm was testament to that. The first time he thought he had hurt a 'poor defenseless female' he rushed over to help her, only to have her swing her extremely heavy, blunt mace at him, which shattered his arm. It was now healed, but the pain still lingered somewhat.
"Why did you do that!" Vasi yelled, tears streaming down her face to drip off her nose. Laughing Malachai pointed the tip of his sword at her.
"You know damn well you're not hurt, you can still fly, get up and fight." Sniffling, Vasi lifted a hand out toward Malachai. Smacking the hand away with his sword his voice become a venomous hiss. "The last time I did that, my arm was shattered into more pieces than I cared to count. Get up, now, or give up." Watching the sudden glare blooming on Vasi's face, Malachai swallowed. Vasi's voice was venom repaid in kind.
"You are going to pay for breaking my leg..." She left unsaid what she would do, but Malachai imagined that she had many, many ideas. He decided he wouldn't let her win. He didn't have to kill her, he just had to make her give up. No more, no less.
Rising, she pulled her foot as she forcefully pushed the bone back in, with a loud crunch the bone went through the opening and set itself. Malachai always cringed when confronted with something like bones breaking. It seemed as if the pain wasn't the only thing still lingering from his injury.
Slowly flapping his wings to get the circulation flowing back into them, Malachai stood waiting for Vasi to remeber they were still engaged in a duel. Tying a strip of cloth that she had just torn from her skirt, around the gaping wound, she looked up and smiled. Malachai, looking at the exposed flesh of her upper thigh that now showed through from the area the strip of cloth had been torn from, forgot Vasi was looking at him. After all, female battle angel's skirts were short to begin with, now Vasi's skirt left very, very little to the imagination. Malachai forgot where he was until she cleared her throat. Looking up into her dark azure eyes, she spoke.
"Not many would have the gall to do what you just did. Snapping my leg bone with out a moments thought, how chilvalrous of you, treating a poor woman with such brutality. I have to commend you on your skill, though. I did not expect you to be so good, so soon after arriving, but I think it's time to finish this." Vasi, flapping her sleek, jet black wings, smiled. Spinning her razor sharp pike she lauched herself into the air.
Smiling to himself, Malachai flew into the air, following her.
__________________________
Here is the rest of chapter 3
__________________________

Smiling as he looked up Vasi's skirt, Malachai thrust his powerful jet black wings to in order to lift himself to meet her at eye level. Pushing his stark, midnight black hair out of his sky blue eyes, he met her dark azure eyes. Malachai pushed all thoughts out of his head and set his mind to the task at hand.
"So," Vasi said, "I suppose I should be ending this." Looking at Malachai she couldn't seem to draw her eyes away from those almost-white eyes. Drawing a breath, the world seemed to slow. The only sound was the flapping of her and Malachai's wings in almost perfect unison. There was, of course, hundred of thousands of others in the Special Tactics Blade Master Unit, but at that moment there was only the two of them.
Her breast heaving with the straining of her every breath, Vasi felt the slash mark in her form fitting leather armor. The slash was right over the insignia of the of the battle angel. On a woman it was put on the right breast, on a man, in the middle of his chest.
Feeling the gouge, she drew a sharp breath. What she thought had been just a graze, was a dead on hit. Looking at her fingers she saw the faintest bit of blood. The blade had just barely grazed her skin. She realized then why he was acting so sure of himself: he had meant to miss. She suddenly felt very unsure of herself.
Twirling her razor sharp pike around her shoulders in a graceful, flowing, continual movements. The pike getting faster, and faster, all the while the tip's low whistle getting higher, and shriller.
Flapping his wings Malachai watched fear, or may be something more, terror perhaps, enter Vasi's eyes. Good he wanted that. He knew why she was afraid too: he had meant to miss. The whistling of the pike's tip kept getting higher and higher. Not wanting to get into the range of that gruesome wepon, Malachai waited for her to make the first move. Thrusting his wings just enough as to keep him eye level with her, he slowly got his thrusts in unison with hers. He would be prepared when she thrust her pike, after all, that was the only way to use it effectively. The spinning of her pike speed up ever so infintecimily, this was it, when she next spun it to her right shoulder Vasi continued with her movement, using the momentum to spin herself around. With a forward thrust of her wings she came at him, came at Malachai.
Thrusting his wings, Malachai shot up into the air just as Vasi began to turn from him. He would use the same tactic Zyro had, of course he wouldn't be that rough, but he wouldn't let her win just because she was a women, he would never let that happen again. Flying up, he matched the thrusting of his wings with hers. Flying higher into the light of the sun, or what appeared to be the sun at least, he waited, watching her. But God was she beautiful, probably more so now that she was angry, or at least determined.
Stopping in the middle of her thrust, Vasi was dumbstruck, Where the in the name of Hell is he?, she thought to herself. He couldn't just vanish, she told herself he just couldn't have. Looking up into the sky she was greeted by the intense glare of the sun overhead. Not there, she thought. Looking around she stood poised, should he appear again.
Malachai looked down at Vasi's ridged stance. He decided it was time to end their little skirmish. Tucking in his wings, Malachai began to freefall. With his feet right above her head, he extended his wings. Looking up, Vasi was blinded. Malachai used the opening. He dropped just behind behind her, wrapping his left arm around her to grasp her right hip, he used his right arm to wrap around her waist and grab the tanto and free it from it's scabbard. Drawing it slowly up Vasi's stomach, he stopped it in the point between her breasts. He figured Vasi's sudden panting was partly exhaustion cathcing up with her, mostly though, he figured it was terror. This was a person who believed they were not only about to die, but rather, that their soul was about to die.
Hyperventalating Vasi tried to speak. "P-p-please d-d-d-on't k-k-k-kill m-m-e-e."
"Kill you? What would make you think I'm going to kill you? And before you speak, calm down, I can barely understand you as it is." He waited until her breathing calmed some, she was still panting, but no longer hyperventalating she spoke.
"It is what you are supposed to do here, remember 'awaken the warrior' it is not only a euphamism for becoming a stronger warrior, but also, a euphamism for becoming battle hardened."
"'Battle hardened' what does that mean." He slowly moved the knife out about four inches, he figured if she felt safer he could get more out of her.
"In war two sides oppose one another, the stronger kills the weaker, that is the first rule of warefare: kill or be killed." She was panting heavier now as tears streamed down her cheeks.
"You mean...?"
"Yes" she sobbed, "Here we kill those we defeat." not able to bear it any longer she broke down a wept. Malachai returning the blade to it's scabbard, and hearing the reassuring metal click signifying it was locked, embraced her.
____________________________
This is going to be a long chapter because this is setting up everything for the rest of the story. So that's all for now. What do you think?
[Image: logo_gc_fireemblem_medium.jpg]
"How fortunate for those in power that people do not think"-Adolf Hitler
Reply
#28
Sorry I haven't written..........my mom has been home all week and I was granted some time on the computer yesterday, and today. I will try to write the next portion of chapter 3 next week sometime. Sorry if this has inconvenienced any one.
[Image: logo_gc_fireemblem_medium.jpg]
"How fortunate for those in power that people do not think"-Adolf Hitler
Reply
#29
need more fic need more fic!!
Iori Yagami:"Only one of the bloodline can control such power, such power can only be mine!!"
Stupid forum rules.....:'( no more bunny
Reply
#30
You like??? Then wait you must........ For the anticipation must be built.......Iori Yagami will have a grand entrance.......Ivan will be a main story character also......heh.
[Image: logo_gc_fireemblem_medium.jpg]
"How fortunate for those in power that people do not think"-Adolf Hitler
Reply


Possibly Related Threads…
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  Mission on Gal De Val Fanfic Kaasha 3 992 25-03-2008, 09:13 PM
Last Post: Lance813
  Group Fanfic Idea... Faulkie 110 4,241 11-12-2006, 05:26 PM
Last Post: Namillus
  Hmmmm my first fanfic Rati_Ross 17 1,239 18-11-2006, 01:04 AM
Last Post: Faulkie
  Should I post my fanfic? pink 8 1,051 26-10-2006, 11:38 PM
Last Post: Phantom_RAcast
  Fanfic? Mewone 4 791 15-08-2006, 07:46 PM
Last Post: Miaone
  My first Fanfic Deadly Zero 88 3,867 28-03-2006, 05:25 PM
Last Post: Deadly Zero
  Tenchi Muyo fanfic Ria 2 810 02-02-2006, 12:51 AM
Last Post: Ria
  The Saga Of DarkMagician: My fanfic DarkMagician 202 9,021 18-10-2005, 08:56 PM
Last Post: Poo Fly
  tracy fanfic jarl 0 617 10-08-2005, 07:36 PM
Last Post: jarl
  Chronicles of the Dead Blade Valero 7 740 09-08-2005, 10:49 PM
Last Post: Valero

Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)