Think your funny?

[Grave_Guardian]

This is from Bloodrayne. It is what u here if u stand near a cartan door u can hear the officer saying this. This may not inapropreat but the mods can delet if they want. Here goes and I quote:

Officer1: Did I ever tell you about my uncle the farmer?
Officer2: No, what about your uncle the farme?
Officer1: Well he had this bull that was named Big. It was a perfect bull, could win any prize it wanted to except for one thing. Its eyes they were crossed.
Officer2: So what did he do?
Officer1: Well he had just hired a new farm hand, who wasn't too smart, that week to help him. The hand came over and asked "Do you want I can fix the eyes for you?" You can do that? My uncle asked. "Yes I can, do you have a lead pipe?" The hand said. So my uncle goes and gets a lead pipe from the shed and gives it to the hand. The hand then takes the pipe and shuves it right up Bigs a**.
Officer2: Oh gross
Officer1: The hand then bends down and blows as hard as he can into the pipe. And to the suprise to my incle, Bigs eyes uncrossed. The next day he was going to take Big to the fair to enter him into contest. When he found Big the eyes had recrossed. Thinking he could do it himself my uncle took the lead pipe and shuved it up Bigs a** again. He then blow as hard as he could but nothing happened.
Officer2: Ya then what happened?
Officer1: Well the hand came around and said "Here let me do it, you are doing it wrong." He continued to take the pipe out of the bull a**, turned it around and shoved it back in. He then bent dow to blow into the pipe.
Officer2: Oh gross again
Officer2: My uncle yelled "What are doing you idiot?" To witch the hand replied, "Well I don't want to get your germs now do I?"
Officer2: So what happended to the bull?
Officer1: Nothing it was a joke.
Officer2: I am you supperior officer and you are wasting my time. *You then here a gun blast behind the door*

Long I know.

[misterbud]

hehe that was from ebaumsworld

Most of mine are

I just put them in quotes so I'm not plagerising.

I DO have some origional jokes though...need to tell them later though, homework to be done and an hour before bed.

[Bender]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[misterbud]

Nice one, I must admit...that one rivals mine

[Mini_Bert]

Jeff Foxworthy!

If you keep a flyswatter in the front seat of your car, to reach your kids in the back, you might be a redneck.

If you go to a family reunion to find a wife, you might be a redneck.

If you've worn a strapless dress, with a bra that isn't.....*Larry the Cable guy raises his hand* You.....might be a red neck....*shivers* Try sleeping after you picture that....

If you open a beer during a euology, you might be a redneck.

If you wear a tube top to a funeral home, you might be a redneck.

[Orpheus]

found something funny on http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net

Quote:
I saw the movie "I, Robot" recently, a film based loosely on a book written by science fiction author Isaac Asimov. In case you're not familiar with Asimov's writing, here's a list of things the movie had in common with the book:

- The title.

I don't know why, but after the movie I came out of the theater wanting to buy a pair of Converse shoes (vintage 2004), have them delivered to my local FedEx station, drive my MV Augusta SPR motorcycle to pick them up, stop by the shop to have my new JVC CD player installed in my Audi, pick up a couple of Dos Equis on my way home, wash it down with an Ovaltine and then invest what money I have left into a mutual fund with Prudential Life Insurance.

[Grave_Guardian]

Bahaha Mini I love those "You might be a Redneck if" Jokes.

[Mini_Bert]

*attempts to remember some 'Here's your sign'....*

There were some painters at my house.....painted the entire house, the walls, the ceiling, everything. One day, the painter comes up to me and asks "Is that thur yur piana?" I just looked at him and said "No, it's my coffee table. It has buck teeth." Here's your sign.....

I went to the airport the other day.....with my kids, who get on early. That's the great thing about taking the kids, you board early. Anyway, we get to the desk and I say "We're here to board early." and the clerk looks at me, then at the kids and says "Are these your children?" I just reply "No, we're circus people. These are the little people." Here's your sign.....

[Sd28]

this is what would happen if the tos gang played star craft

Lloyd: I'm bored. Let's play something.
Genis: Like what?
Lloyd: Starcraft!
Colette: What's that?
Raine: It is a popular strategy game that involves a war between three different races.
Kratos: Strategy game, hmm?
Genis: Fine. let's play.
Zelos: Alright. We'll split into teams.
Lloyd: Hmmm... three teams of three. Let's see...
Genis: Wow, you can multiply!
Lloyd: That's it, you're not on my team!
Genis: Like I'd want to be on your team anyway...
Raine: Let's draw numbers. That'll split the teams evenly.
*The nine people draw numbers out of hats. this is the teams: 1) Lloyd, Colette, Genis; Terran. 2) Sheena, Zelos, Presea; Zerg. 3) Kratos, Raine, Regal; Protoss*
Zelos: how about, the winning team gets to receive favors from the two losing teams?
Lloyd: That's fine by me. We'll make sure we win.
Sheena: Favors? I hope you don't mean...
*Game start*
Lloyd: Alright, let's rush 'em!
Genis: With what?
Lloyd: I dunno, you're the genius here.
Genis: Well, you're the one who wanted to play this game...
Colette: I don't like this game. It's all about war.
Lloyd: oh boy...

Zelos: Alright, my two hunnies, we'll get this win easily.
Sheena: I don't know about that. You're buliding so slowly.
Presea: 95% chance that Zelos will be the first to be eliminated out of us.
Zelos: Preseaaaaaa, that's really harsh.

Raine: We must go out and search for new minerals before we run out.
Regal: But it's only the beginning.
Raine: If we can set up four bases, we will have an advantage.
Regal: But our forces will be split apart.
Raine: If we make a good defense, they won't be able to destroy a base without losing their entire army.
*Kratos massed Zealots*
Kratos: I'm pretty sure the enemies haven't made a sufficient defense yet. It may prove worthwhile if we can take out enemies now, so we deal with less later.
*Sends them into a random direction*

Zelos: Hey, what're these guys doing at my base. Aw crap, help!
Sheena: I told you to create zerglings in the beginning, but you're too dense! *Sends zerglings and hydralisks over*
Presea: 15 zerglings and 5 hydralisks versus 15 zealots... 100% chance that Zelos will not survive.
Zelos: ...
*Zelos is eliminated*

Genis: Lloyd, why are you only making barracks?
Lloyd: Because I can't make a factory.
Genis: Lloyd, you didn't even build a refinery yet?
Lloyd: What? I didn't know I had to build it on top of a geyser.
Genis: This is just great...
*Nuclear Launch detected*
Genis: Lloyd, was that you?
Lloyd: No. I only ahve marines.
Genis: Colette, you already have nukes?
Colette: Nukes?
*Colette's Command Center gets blown up, along with her 25 scvs*
Colette: Whoops. Oh no, my miners are gone!
Genis: Colette, you dropped a nuke in your own base?
Colette: I didn't know what it would do.
Genis: It's a nuke! What would a nuke do?
Colette: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Lloyd: You can stop now...

Game's voice: YOU REQUIRE MORE MINERALS! YOU REQUIRE MORE MINERALS! YOU REQUIRE MORE MINERALS! YOU REQUIRE MORE MINERALS!
Sheena: Geez, can't my miners mine any faster than this?
Presea: 7 drones, mineral input of 56 per 10 seconds. Recommended that you build more drones.
Sheena: That's right. I lost all my workers because they morphed into buildlings... this is just great.

raine: We've secured almost all minerals. Create as much carriers as you can and strike.
Regal: We shoudl back up the carriers with a ground assault.
Kratos: My zealots wiped out Zelos rather quickly... *zealots head into another random base, just to face 100 marines* What in the world...
Lloyd: Help, I'm getting attacked!
Genis: Lloyd, you ahve 100 marines. That should defeat 10 zealots...
*Nuclear launch detected*
Genis: I hope you aren't oging to nuke your own abse again.
Colette: Nope, I'm going to help Lloyd.
Lloyd: What, you're gonna... NO, CALL THE NUKE BACK! *Nuke drops and kills 90 of the marines, and only 5 zealots*
Genis: Oh boy... *sends 4 battle cruisers over to help Lloyd*
Colette: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Lloyd: You can stop now. *half of his base is gone before the battle cruisers arrive because the BC's move too slow*

*Raine's team has a total of 50 carriers*
Raine: This should be good enough.
Regal: I hope so.
Kratos: Incredible. My 10 zealots defeated Lloyd's marine force and a portion of his base.
Raine: Only because Colette nuked him.
Kratos: But I'm positive that Genis is going to go air with his battlecruisers.
*Genis' cloaked wraith comes by to spy on protoss*
Genis: Crap, mass carriers. But I have mass battlecruisers... except they have close to 50 carriers to my 20 battlecruisers... Colette, try to nuke the protoss' carriers.
Colette: Okay. *sends ghost to someone's base*
Nuclear Launch detected.
Presea: 100% chance that Sheena will be destroyed.
Sheena: What? *nukes blows up her drones and hive* What the-
Raine: Now's our chance! *Protoss sends 30 carriers over and destroys Sheena quickly. One carrier gets stranded by Lloyd's base*
Lloyd: ha, I finally have tanks. *Siege tanks go into siege mode. The lone carrier arrives* Hey, why aren't my tanks attacking it?
Genis: Because your tanks only attack ground! Make goliaths!
*But before he could get goliaths, the cruisers that destroyed Sheena's base came over and wiped out Lloyd*
Genis: *to self* If I'm not mistaken, no one from Raine's team was eliminated yet. At this rate, they'll win.
Genis: Colette, we should team up with Presea.
Colette: Isn't she our enemy?
genis: we can ally her. It's our only chance.
Colette: Okay.
*Presea receives ally invitation from terran and accepts*
Genis: Alright!
regal: Hmmm... I'm sure she will make scourges to counter our carriers.
Raine: Zerg has many units that are effective against air, not just scourges.
Genis: *builds a command center and floats it over to Presea*
Genis: Presea...
*Presea infests it before he finishes*
Genis: nevermind... Colette, build nukes and try to get rid of their carriers.

*I'm getting a bit bored of this right now...*

Zelos, Sheena, and lloyd, having been eliminated, are waiting on the side with nothing to do.
Zelos: I'm bored. Let's have a threesome!
*Lloyd and Sheena run out of the room*
Zelos: Hey, I was just kidding! Geez...

[Shade]

wtf?????