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Ok, I've finaly got it on Fanfiction.net

The Power Of Vengeance

Yay.

In case you don't know, I did change the story, it's better now, if you want to be in it you can post here....But I can only put so many in.

its ok but not great

Please note that this is off the top of my head in the morning just before school started, I barely made it to gym class:p as for the second part, I just needed to explain how mini bert came to be.

It needs work, but pretty good. I can give you some advice...

-Add some discription to senery, there actions etc...
-The intro needs a bit more depth to it...

You don't have to listen to me, but i'm only trying to help.

Quote:Please note that this is off the top of my head in the morning just before school started, I barely made it to gym class

I thought I made it pretty clear why it's like that, but let me say this in plain english, ahem, I didn't have alot of time.:p

Sos, my bad...
g2g now, bye.

Woops, I messed up on the ending of part 2, so part 3 won't mkae much sense.

Ok, first, BERT, GET OUT OF SCRIPT TEXT! In general it's harder to read, gives less deatil, and shows that you are not taking the time with your Language Arts HomeWork. :p Two, three dots are enough to show time passing. you used more than five in that last line multiple times. as for time, you run into the problem of in sufficent 'Time modeling' with your story. You see, in my story, time is really irrevelent. all you need to know, is that it happens around the time Pioneer 2 reaches Ragol. Yours could happen when they have been on Ragol, and started devlopment already. You hint at him defeating Dark Falz, but I don't know how long they've been on Ragol. Just look at this from time to time to keep you on track.

No1 Really cares, but chapter 2 has been made and should be up soon.

Chapter 3 is uploaded! Not that ne1 is reading it! But hey at least I have something to do!