22-12-2003, 10:58 PM
Ok, first, BERT, GET OUT OF SCRIPT TEXT! In general it's harder to read, gives less deatil, and shows that you are not taking the time with your Language Arts HomeWork. :p Two, three dots are enough to show time passing. you used more than five in that last line multiple times. as for time, you run into the problem of in sufficent 'Time modeling' with your story. You see, in my story, time is really irrevelent. all you need to know, is that it happens around the time Pioneer 2 reaches Ragol. Yours could happen when they have been on Ragol, and started devlopment already. You hint at him defeating Dark Falz, but I don't know how long they've been on Ragol. Just look at this from time to time to keep you on track.
UPDATED: Oct 25. 2019
Hi! I recently found my way back here and was feeling nostalgic. On the off chance that someone comes by here and remembers me, feel free to shoot me a line over on twitter.
I'm: [AT] legendaryvermin
She/Her
These days I teach programming and design games. I'm in Seattle. This was a really cool place to hang out growing up, even if most of y'all were in a totally different timezone.
Hi! I recently found my way back here and was feeling nostalgic. On the off chance that someone comes by here and remembers me, feel free to shoot me a line over on twitter.
I'm: [AT] legendaryvermin
She/Her
These days I teach programming and design games. I'm in Seattle. This was a really cool place to hang out growing up, even if most of y'all were in a totally different timezone.