Fan fic

[Sagasu]

Firstly, this belongs in fan-works

Secondly, nice prologue, though it lacks the depth and detail I desire

Thirdly, you need to practice some grammar, buddy. Double spaces inbetween scentences and such, though I see much in the way of spelling mistakes, everything is so horribly jammed together its a pain to read.

Next, formatting. Its jumbled together. I reccomend adding some space between major action in your paragraphs and such.

Also, length. Quite short, personally, a paragraph doesn't quite fill me up. I hope that your chapters are longer.

Most importantly, detail. You lack a lot of it. Details are what you use to paint the world your characters interact in, without a great number of highly detailed scenarios and such, your story turns out bland :ermm:

Finally, characterization. What do I mean by this? Try giving them more personality, more background. Detailed description about what they like, what annoys them, etc. You want them to feel real, you want them to feel believable. A white haired hunter, whos name is soul.. does not fit the budget.

Overall its okay, your new to writing so I can sympathsize with your mistakes. Try not to take what I saay to personally and keep going