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19-12-2003, 02:26 PM
(This post was last modified: 14-01-2004, 02:40 AM by Mini_Bert.)
Ok, I've finaly got it on Fanfiction.net
The Power Of Vengeance
Yay.
In case you don't know, I did change the story, it's better now, if you want to be in it you can post here....But I can only put so many in.
Mini Bert - Lvl 173 - RAmar
Dale Bert - Lvl 144 - FOnewm
Kinami - Lvl 121 - HUmar
Kyoneru - Lvl 103 - HUmar
Velaria - Lvl 87 - RAmarl
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its ok but not great
"An eye for an eye makes whole world blind" - Gandhi
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Please note that this is off the top of my head in the morning just before school started, I barely made it to gym class:p as for the second part, I just needed to explain how mini bert came to be.
Mini Bert - Lvl 173 - RAmar
Dale Bert - Lvl 144 - FOnewm
Kinami - Lvl 121 - HUmar
Kyoneru - Lvl 103 - HUmar
Velaria - Lvl 87 - RAmarl
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It needs work, but pretty good. I can give you some advice...
-Add some discription to senery, there actions etc...
-The intro needs a bit more depth to it...
You don't have to listen to me, but i'm only trying to help.
I'm dead
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Quote:Please note that this is off the top of my head in the morning just before school started, I barely made it to gym class
I thought I made it pretty clear why it's like that, but let me say this in plain english, ahem, I didn't have alot of time.:p
Mini Bert - Lvl 173 - RAmar
Dale Bert - Lvl 144 - FOnewm
Kinami - Lvl 121 - HUmar
Kyoneru - Lvl 103 - HUmar
Velaria - Lvl 87 - RAmarl
Posts: 474
Threads: 18
Joined: Sep 2003
Sos, my bad...
g2g now, bye.
I'm dead
Posts: 1,718
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Woops, I messed up on the ending of part 2, so part 3 won't mkae much sense.
Mini Bert - Lvl 173 - RAmar
Dale Bert - Lvl 144 - FOnewm
Kinami - Lvl 121 - HUmar
Kyoneru - Lvl 103 - HUmar
Velaria - Lvl 87 - RAmarl
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Ok, first, BERT, GET OUT OF SCRIPT TEXT! In general it's harder to read, gives less deatil, and shows that you are not taking the time with your Language Arts HomeWork. :p Two, three dots are enough to show time passing. you used more than five in that last line multiple times. as for time, you run into the problem of in sufficent 'Time modeling' with your story. You see, in my story, time is really irrevelent. all you need to know, is that it happens around the time Pioneer 2 reaches Ragol. Yours could happen when they have been on Ragol, and started devlopment already. You hint at him defeating Dark Falz, but I don't know how long they've been on Ragol. Just look at this from time to time to keep you on track.
UPDATED: Oct 25. 2019
Hi! I recently found my way back here and was feeling nostalgic. On the off chance that someone comes by here and remembers me, feel free to shoot me a line over on twitter.
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She/Her
These days I teach programming and design games. I'm in Seattle. This was a really cool place to hang out growing up, even if most of y'all were in a totally different timezone.
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No1 Really cares, but chapter 2 has been made and should be up soon.
Mini Bert - Lvl 173 - RAmar
Dale Bert - Lvl 144 - FOnewm
Kinami - Lvl 121 - HUmar
Kyoneru - Lvl 103 - HUmar
Velaria - Lvl 87 - RAmarl
Posts: 1,718
Threads: 33
Joined: Nov 2003
Chapter 3 is uploaded! Not that ne1 is reading it! But hey at least I have something to do!
Mini Bert - Lvl 173 - RAmar
Dale Bert - Lvl 144 - FOnewm
Kinami - Lvl 121 - HUmar
Kyoneru - Lvl 103 - HUmar
Velaria - Lvl 87 - RAmarl
